Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Addicted To Boob

WARNING: If you don't want to read about boobs and nipples don't read this. If you googled boobs or nipples looking for something sexual, go ahead and read it, but if it gets you off, you're sicker than you thought.

Day One:
Baby is born. Baby will not latch on. Mother is hysterically shoving boob in baby's face. Baby will hold boob contemplatively in mouth, but will not suck. Mother cries. Baby cries but mostly sleeps(unless Mother is sleeping, then baby is totally crying). Mother fears she will never be able to give baby the "liquid gold" her midwife has told her is crucial to brain and immune system development.

Day Two:
Lactation consultant arrives. Baby is finally able to latch on and suck. Mother is overjoyed. Lactation consultant is overjoyed. Baby is hungry.

Day Two nighttime:
Baby wants to eat round the clock. Mother is getting tired and sore. Maybe she should have gone with bottle feeding.

Days 2-8 or so:
Baby loves boob. Mother has boobs of porn star. This does not make Mother's cracked, bleeding nipples feel any better, though.

Two weeks:
Breastfeeding no longer hurts, and is fairly enjoyable to baby and Mother.

Six weeks:
Mother goes back to work and starts up a relationship with the Medela Pump In Style. This opens up several fifteen minute chunks a day to surf the internet. Mother discovers mommy blogs.

Three months:
Still nursing, still pumping, still good.

Six months:
Still nursing, still pumping, still good. Mother is very proud of herself for keeping up with breastfeeding for so long. Baby is very healthy and rarely sick. He also seems pretty smart. Mother pats self on the back.

Seven months:
Baby begins performing acrobatics while nursing. Baby also begins removing mouth from boob and grabbing at nipple with his tiny little sharp fingernails. Breastfeeding has just gotten a lot more interesting.

Eight months:
Baby tries to nurse upside down and while standing. Mother fears boobs will hang to waistline by the time this whole thing is over. Baby is still waking up in the middle of the night several times crying for boob. Mother is shackled to child. Mother is shackled to Medela Pump In Style. Mother wonders if she'll ever again wear a sexy, lacy, padded, underwire bra.

Nine months:
How do you stop breastfeeding!?!?! Mother considers weaning, but feels bad because she knows breastmilk is good for baby and baby enjoys nursing. Also, is the only way to get him to go to sleep a lot of the time. (Bad parent alert! Bad parent alert! Mother isn't teaching to self-soothe!) Also, burning all those calories keeps the weight down.

What's next?

One year:
Probably still breastfeeding.

Two years:
Boobs have reached orangutan proportions.

Five years:
Baby gets breastmilk in lunch box thermos.

Ten years:
Baby enters therapy.


At 2:02 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very cute and well written

At 7:52 AM, Blogger Jenni said...

Oh dear God.

I just realized I've been so worried about beginning the process that I hadn't thought about ending it.


Anyway, good luck. I hope it goes smoothly and that you don't have to worry about orangutan proportions! :-)

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